Have you ever wondered why maintaining a relationship is difficult or what a crucial foundation is to have a durable relationship? In this article, The Sunday Snug will introduce a necessary condition for every sustainable relationship: Win-win thinking.
In order to write this article, I spent lots of time drawing from my life experiences because most of my relationships are quite sustainable in comparison with my peers. However, I acknowledge that I do not have any “terms” or “definitions” for my experience. Therefore, I had to search for information. Fortunately, I watched this video and it had exactly the definitions I was looking for. For this reason, this article is written not only with my thoughts but also with clear definitions (which clarify my thoughts) of the video. To ensure the article will leave an imprint on your mind, I will put a keyword for each definition. Hopefully, this article will help you to navigate and balance your relationships.
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What is win-win thinking?
Keyword: equal
In short, win-win thinking is a mindset that both parties have equal benefits in a relationship. The benefits here include both tangible and intangible. Generally, they all bring a certain value to both parties.
A familiar example of this mindset is the relationship between employer and employee. In particular, an employer will pay a salary that is equivalent to the value an employee brings to the company, while the employee needs to contribute his brainpower to the company and he also benefits from the company’s policies. When a company treats him unfairly, such as a low salary or incorrect assessment of his skills and contributions, the employee has a right to escape this relationship by canceling the employment contract.
From this instance, what can you acknowledge principles in a relationship?
In a relationship, balancing the benefits of both parties is extremely important because it not only shows respect but is also a sign of equality, demonstrating long-term cooperation. When that relationship is no longer balanced in terms of benefits, it apparently leads to a breakup. It seems that the balance of benefits has become one of the prerequisites for building and developing a relationship.
When you read this definition, do you feel a little bit strange? Do you feel like you still have fairly sustainable relationships, but you don’t seem to see fairness in terms of benefits in that relationship? If so, then there is a high possibility that you have been in the following unhealthy relationships:
Win-lose thinking
Keywords: selfish, exploitative, domineering, hating, defeating
Win-lose thinking is a mindset emphasizing 5 elements: selfish, exploitative, domineering, hating and defeating. In particular, people having this mindset tend to focus on their benefits without concerning others (selfish). Besides, they rarely or never give to while they always want to receive from others. In common cases, these people are quite conservative because they believe that they are superior enough to downplay different opinions. Furthermore, they will impose their points of view on others regardless of the context. In the worst context, they will envy people who have more prominent milestones than theirs. As a result, they will make lots of effort to “defeat” others by spreading negative rumors, distorting the truth and even offending.
If you have those aforementioned signs, I hope you can change yourself to be a better version because life is not a battlefield where you have to fight to survive. For me, life is like an interesting book that we will learn from experience and enjoy to the fullest and be happy.
Lose-lose thinking
Keyword: pulling down
This is the worst and the most toxic mindset in a relationship since it refers to “if I can’t have it, neither can you”. To clarify this mindset, let’s take a look at a crab mentality. Generally, when you put a crab in a bucket, then it can escape the bucket by itself easily. Nonetheless, when you put more crabs in the bucket, there is no crab escaping the bucket. Because in the process of trying to escape, they will pull others down. In practice, it is not uncommon to witness people having this mindset. Typically, jealousy between relatives in the family, when one person tries to harm another excellent brother to “defeat” them and satisfy his own jealousy.
In fact, lose-lose thinking is quite similar to the worst level of win-lose thinking. However, lose-lose thinking will tend to have hate feelings towards people and a willingness to harm others.
Lose-win thinking
Keyword: sacrifice
This is a mindset that the balance of benefits is in favor of the other party. In other words, we give a lot and don’t even think about receiving it back. This way of thinking majorly happens in very close and sustainable relationships. Typically is family, where parents are willing to give everything they have to their children without thinking about how the children will return it. Besides family relationships, lose-win thinking can also be observed in long-standing friendships and lovers.
Unlike win-lose and lose-lose thinking, it is quite difficult and even confusing to escape this relationship because of a strong bounding. Nonetheless, it doesn’t mean that we can compromise and endure forever because that is a sign of being abused. Therefore, we need to minimize its effects as much as possible to avoid unexpected consequences in the future. If you are in a lose-win romantic relationship or friendship, it is better for you to reconsider it carefully. Because if you continue to compromise, you may not escape this relationship forever. In addition, not only your physical but also mental health will be negatively influenced.
In fact, such relationships do not always lead to toxic and negative ones. Because sacrificing and dedicating are cherished signs of love. It just worsens when one party takes advantage and continually abuses the other.
Discuss win-win thinking further
Perhaps you get uncomfortable due to the inconsistent layout of this article. Actually, I want you to have a comprehensive view of the basic nature of relationships so that we can have a deeper perspective on win-win thinking.
When it comes to conditions for a long-standing relationship, it not only includes internal factors (personality, emotions..) but also external factors (religion, conflicts..). However, from my perspective, the prerequisite for any sustainable relationship is respect and fairness, which is demonstrated through a win-win mindset.
The win-win mindset is not only about balancing benefits but also emotions. In other words, balancing both physical and mental benefits. True win-win thinking is when you know how to balance the benefits for both you and others: when you know what you have to give up to get something, and what others also have to trade off. What to get in return, what will be the feelings of both parties, is it worth or not. Vice versa, the other person must also have similar thoughts so that both of you can maintain a sustainable relationship. Moreover, such kind thoughts stem from respect from both sides, a sincere and heartfelt treatment. Only then can the relationship be healthy and long-lasting, ensuring development of both parties at the present and in the future.
Comparison
On the other hand, if we compare the win-win mindset and the two mindsets of win-lose and lose-lose, we can easily figure out that respect does not come from both sides of latter. As a result, there is no balance in terms of benefits, leading to unexpected consequences. We should carefully consider to continue or stop such relationships.
The lose-win thinking in a relationship is more complicated and difficult to escape completely. Because of some certain constraints on “kinship”, some people are stuck in these lose-win relationships forever. Therefore, some people choose to raise their voices to balance that relationship. Moreover, some people decide to keep silent, another ones strongly and decisively cut off that relationship. Either way, moving towards a win-win mindset or getting out of this relationship completely takes a lot of time, effort and even tears to escape.
Personal experience
I am a highly competitive person and I believe that competitiveness is a great motivation to help me develop myself. It is undeniable that this method is effective; however, when it is too strong and uncontrolled, it will lead to hatred and win-lose relationships, even lose-lose relationships. My most memorable experience was when I was in twelfth grade. I and my desk mate were both excellent students in the class, I respected her and considered her both a friend and a competitor. Nonetheless, I failed to get over her despite trying so hard. As a result, I developed a grudge against her. Our relationship gradually turned to a win-lose friendship. Acknowledging my bad behaviors, I have suppressed and restrained myself so many times to avoid bringing this relationship to a lose-lose one.
Fortunately, I had the opportunity to confide in my teacher and he understood my situation. Therefore, he gave me advice to help me get rid of that jealousy. Eventually, I started to improve myself and bring that friendship back to a win-win relationship – when I and she supported each other in studying and shining in our way. Apparently, we still keep in touch and this is absolutely a sustainable relationship.
The best thing I have ever done..
There are lots of internal as well as external elements building up a sustainable relationship. Fortunately, I figured out win-win thinking, which is a core value of any relationship. By using this mindset, I not only have quality relationships but also get rid of unfair ones in my relationship circle – and that is the best thing I have ever done!
I wrote this article with the passion to help you gain insight into relationships from which to develop and build them to last. Hope you find it useful.
The Sunday Snug wishes you all the best!
